The best thing about having your team win the Super Bowl — other than the false sense of personal achievement and the ability to claim superiority over other metropolitan areas — is loading up on the championship booty. The hat, the sweatshirt, the DVD … the heirloom porcelain plate?
Yes, the heirloom porcelain plate! And it doesn’t stop there. As a Patriots fan, you have your choice of an amazing array of products commemorating the team’s unprecedented comeback victory in Super Bowl LI. Here’s a look at a few attractive options, along with some commentary on the quality of the ad copy.
Price: $59.99 + $9.99 shipping.
Standout feature: Banded in genuine platinum.
Practicality: Minimal; it would be unbecoming to poke Tom Brady in the face while twirling your pasta.
Key snippet from ad copy: “With a strict 10,000 edition limit and strong demand expected, quantities could soon be gone.” Kudos on creating a sense of urgency — I wouldn’t want to be the 10,001st Pats fan trying to snap up this baby.
Am I buying it? Maybe.
Price: $179.99 + $21.99 shipping.
Standout feature: “The football actually FLOATS in mid-air above the base!”
Practicality: A use for a levitating football doesn’t immediately come to mind, but I bet I could think of something.
Key snippet from ad copy: “The football hovers and spins in mid-air, recalling each pass the quarterback threw—and how it floated over the field as Patriots fans held their breath until the ball was grabbed by a receiver!” Okay, well that was kind of a generic description, but not a bad attempt at recreating the game’s drama.
Am I buying it? Absolutely, though I’ll probably opt for the four-part installment plan.
Price: $99.96 + $13 shipping.
Standout feature: Handcrafted in fine bisque porcelain.
Practicality: None; but those two doe-eyed kids and the fleece-clad puppy are downright adorable.
Key snippet from ad copy: “From opening kick-off to the final whistle, you and your sweetie teamed up to cheer your New England Patriots on to win Super Bowl® LI! Because just like the two of you, they know there’s nothing you can’t achieve with a little teamwork!” That is so true — my wife and I are just like the Patriots! It’s as if the copywriter knew us personally.
Am I buying it? Yes.
Price: $119 + $9.98 shipping.
Standout feature: A pavé of team-color crystals.
Key snippet from ad copy: “The ‘New England Patriots Super Bowl LI Champions Pride Ring’ is a stylish way to show your support for your New England Patriots and a great gift for a Patriot fan … and a fan of fashion.” While I’ll never be accused of being a fan of fashion, my wife has been. You sold me.
Am I buying it? Yes (as a gift).
Price: $39.98 + $7.99 shipping.
Standout feature: Internal LED lighting illuminates the ornament.
Practicality: High, assuming you get a Christmas tree each year.
Key passage from ad copy: “You’ll enjoy the many features of these stunning hand-blown, impressively-sized 5.5″ tall glass ornaments including the official Super Bowl LI logo, rich glazes of Pats red and blue with raised-relief swirls of silvery glitter, dramatic in-game photos of your favorite players and a real ribbon bow!” I’ve never seen so many product features stuffed into one sentence. Looks like one classy ornament.
Am I buying it? Have to run this one by the wife.
Happy shopping, Pats fans!